remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
