i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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