she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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