The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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