He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My cat gives me a boner
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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