Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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