It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
