forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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