About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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