I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
