Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Randomize
