I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
this boner is exhausting
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
