i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
