i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
