i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
