My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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