I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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