i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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