I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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