I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
