My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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