just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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