So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
