Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize