hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I didn't notice because vodka
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
