I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize