people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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