K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize