Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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