i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
