I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
