I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The uberlube is also flammable
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
