You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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