my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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