seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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