like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize