i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
