im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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