The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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