Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
