Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
