I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
