Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
