Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
