Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
