as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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