I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
