The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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