Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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