Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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