can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
