why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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