it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
