I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize