I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
