So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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