I faked an abortion last night.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
