swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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