He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
