ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
