So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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