I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We are all done wearing pants today
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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