Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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