I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
