Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
