you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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